What Could You Possibly Be Thinking?!!

# 11 Kevin O and Rosie C weigh in on fidelity

katquest — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 00:20:43 +0000

Kevin O, 51 from Houston, Texas was quite popular with my readers. His responses were often long and thoughtful. He was fair but not soft on the guys. Here is what he had to say about how difficult it is for men to be faithful at various ages…

This depends on three factors:
1) How much experience he had in his teens and twenties
2) How much he is in touch with the cost of infidelity
3) And how aware he is of the steps that get him into trouble

Rosie’s (55, Nashville, TN) response may not be as eloquent, but she and Kevin clearly share a common viewpoint on the subject:

Not a problem for someone who has his feet on the ground and some sense in his head.

Do you agree with Kevin and Rosie? Or do you have a whole different take on the subject?

Happily Married? What’s Your Secret?

katquest — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:51:56 +0000

It’s only natural that the sequel to What Could You Possibly Be Thinking?!! How ordinary people answered your questions about love, dating, and relationships, would be a compilation of the secrets of the happily married.

So I’m looking for contributors to What Could They Possibly Be Thinking?!! What you need to learn from the happily married couple down the block.

If you and your spouse or another happily married couple (for at least 5 years) that you know would be willing to respond to an anonymous – yes even anonymous to each other! – online 30 question survey, please contact me at kat@katquest.com.

You can forward this link to anyone you think would be interested or use the links to social networking sites below.

We’re dying to hear how they make it work!

#10 The guys say no problem, but the girls say…

katquest — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 04:04:32 +0000

While some of the women who responded to this question in What Could You Possibly Be Thinking?!! thought male fidelity wasn’t an problem, most agreed with this anthropological response:

It is never easy for a man to stay faithful, no matter what his age. His job in life is to propagate the race. Monogamy is the abomination. Donna, 48

Some viewed fidelity as a male and female challenge. Sound like the voice of experience?

It is difficult for anyone to stay faithful… There are many beautiful, young women out there who value experienced men, are aggressive, don’t take a guilt trip about sleeping with another woman’s husband, and just want to have fun.

And, older women can become enraptured with young men. Everyone who is “out” can find opportunity if they are looking. And unless they are dead, they are usually looking. Michelle, 60

But the men, for the most part, just didn’t see fidelity as a problem!

Not difficult. Patrick, 38

Not difficult at all. Either monogamy is important to a guy or it’s not. Joe, 32

Piece of cake. Jonathan, 30

If you and your partner choose to focus on growing together, then it is not difficult. James, 35

Clearly some women have bought into a hoax – a hoax that their man is making the supreme sacrifice to stay faithful.

# 9 How difficult is it for a man…

katquest — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:07:39 +0000

of nice but not extraordinary looks, adequate but not extravagant income, amiable but not a famous personality, to stay faithful in his 30′s? 40′s? 50′s?

The answers to this question were the most surprising gender-wise of all the ones I asked in my book.

What do you think? I’m especially curious as to how your gender and the man’s age, looks, or income impact your response.

# 8 If you were a betting person…

katquest — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:22:40 +0000

which relationship would you put your money on – one where the couple has mutual interests but very different perspectives? Or on the couple with few mutual interests but similar perspectives?

Frank, 61, wins the contest for the best answer to this one, “Find someone with mutual interests AND similar perspectives”. But I’m not letting you off that easy! If you had to choose, which would it be and why?

Be sure to follow me on Twitter at katkatquest to see more of the responses I gathered in my book!

# 7 Proper “First Time” Call Etiquette

katquest — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:07:00 +0000

It just occurred to me that electronics play an important role in the dating world. And, no, I’m not talking about that kind of electronics! I’m talking about the telephone. This is our second question and it also revolves around a man calling. This time, though it’s a happier situation. It’s the first time the couple have had sex.

While a lot of people agreed with Esther that he should at least stay the night, assuming the “event” took place at a traditional time, most women and men said the next day was the right time to call.

I believe the next day is appropriate, though many guys will wait for fear of being too pushy. Jamie, 27

I’ll bet Kristin, 28, isn’t the only one who has had “after-afterglow” concerns:

One hour after he leaves; that’s enough time for all of the questions to start rolling in.

I thought I was ahead of the curve on the feminist thing, but this response, and similar responses from the women, surprised me:

I don’t like this question because it assumes that it is the guy’s responsibility to call. In this day and age, that is a shared responsibility in my book. James, 35

On the other hand, we are forced to admit aren’t we, that in today’s world, sex isn’t always accompanied by romance?

If the two meet in a bar and the first “encounter” is fueled by a dense cloud of booze, he should still make the call the next day, providing he bothered to get the phone number, of course. In that scenario, the question really is, does he ever call? Jonathan, 30

Gals, would you call him? Guys, would you expect a woman to call you?

Assuming the ball is the guy’s court, what is his next best move? Should he worry about being considered pushy or, even worse, needy if he calls sooner? Is this a situation where texting is the safest bet?

#6 If a guy and gal have sex for the first time…

katquest — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 02:12:32 +0000

when (hours, days, weeks, or months later) should he call her?

This question drew my favorite response of the hundreds I gathered for my compilation of relationship advice, What Could You Possibly Be Thinking?!! Esther F, President and CEO from Houston Texas, asked, instead of answered, “Call her? Isn’t he still there?”

How would YOU answer this question?

# 5 Girls Do It Too!

katquest — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:14:17 +0000

According to Neosoul06, guys are not the only ones leaving false impressions after seemingly successful dates:

Greetings,

Before I begin, let me state that I only speak for myself; I do not speak on behalf of all men.

The question is asked, why a man doesn’t call back after the first date? Actually, it has already been stated that we don’t know what happened during this particular date. Maybe, the guy was not interested after he had the date or maybe he actually tried to call but the woman played the “I don’t want to seem too available” game. She decided not to answer the phone and he threw her number away. Then after she thought about it and figured that he was probably a good guy, it was too late. There could be a variety of scenarios as to why this guy did not call this particular woman back.

Since this seems to be only about the guy as to why he did not call the woman back, is this saying that it does not happen to men also? A guy meets a woman, they have great conversation, they exchange numbers, he calls her, has to leave a message and she never calls back. He makes an attempt to ask why she never returned his call and then he looks crazy and is the talk of the water cooler on Monday morning. Let’s not point the finger one way because this is definitely a two way street. Maybe he should have told her he was not interested but would a woman do the same thing? Or would she just hope he “fades to black?” Meaning, he “gets the hint” after she does not answer any of his calls.

In closing, I know the question is why didn’t he call her back? I will agree with a portion of the responses, mainly stating that if the guy is not feeling the woman, her conversation or the way she looks, he should respectfully just let her know that he only wants to be friends. But if that is what you want men to do, maybe women should start looking in the mirror and doing the same. Respect does go both ways you have to give it to get it.

Just my thoughts.

NEOSOUL

Is anyone out there telling it like it is?

# 4 More on the “Disappearing Date”

katquest — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:37:32 +0000

M. Hill, author of The Ones That Got Away: A Dating Memoir, a really fun book, do check it out, had this to say about the guy who says he’ll call, and actually he does, but two months later:

First off, unless you’ve actually surveyed neutral observers about how a date went, you really won’t know anything other than your own interpretation. Our ‘feelings’ have such little bearing on reality. [author's note: busted...]

Now for the meat-and-potatoes: When a guy says that he will call you and he doesn’t, it simply means that you’ve been out with a non-confrontational guy who would rather end the date with some easy getaway (for him) than be forthright. Honestly, what do these spineless guys think will happen if they just walk away? Do they really think that women will drop to the ground, grab hold of their ankles and beg them not to leave? Why is it that women don’t typically have the same over-inflated opinions of themselves?

And, if he does decide to call in a couple of months, remind him that ‘if you snooze, you lose’ and tell him to lose your number. You’re worth more than some guy who decides, 8 weeks after a date with you, he’ll grace you with another opportunity to see him. There’s something going on there and you should have no part in it. I’m sure you’d would draw the same conclusion yourself after date #2, anyway.

That’s what I think, but then again, I may be a little jaded on the subject. You wouldn’t even believe what I went through with a blind date I had years ago because of this – see Chapter 7 of my book for the complete story.

Sounds like the voice of experience…

# 3 The “Promise and Poop Out” Dater

katquest — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:28:02 +0000

I asked a whole lot of people about the seemingly great date who drops off the face of the earth only to re-appear in a couple of months. I expected it from the gals, but even the guys who contributed their opinions had little compassion for the “promise and poop out” dater.

And the call two months later? Forget about it. These guys are not much for second chances.

By the way, online daters tell me this is a gender-neutral issue, that women will totally lead men to believe they would like to see them again, but drop out of sight immediately after the first date. And yes, when the rich guy turns out to be older than Hefner, these same women will also attempt to re-connect.

Maybe in the end, though, it’s a lot more about timing than two-timing. Just because it’s a hobby of yours, falling in love at first sight isn’t for everyone.

Here’s what some of them had to say:

One thing is for sure. He is not going to pursue the relationship and is afraid of being direct about it. Patrick, 38

“I’ll call you” from a guy is a cut and dried way to end the date. It leaves all his options open and makes him feel in control. Cynthia, 43

But Patty, 49, with presumably more life experience and definitely more chutzpah than the average woman, had a whole different take on the matter: He means it’s a great date. That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less. He probably did have good intentions and got unfocused. And the woman did not make any connection during the ensuing two months either, I presume! Shame, shame, ladies. You want him, go get him!

And Mysticdiva tweets: Probably that he is an idiot. Or afraid. Or who knows.

What’s your take on the situation?